| so pack a change of clothes...cuz its time to move on. |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|03:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the wind blowing in my ears | ] |
constant quarreling with childish fits, and our clothes in a pile on the ottoman. all the slander and double speak were only foolish attempts to show you did need anything but the blatant proof...was your lips touching mine in a photo booth. and as the summer's ending...your cold heart will push your hard heart away. you were so condescending...this is all that's left...scraping paper to document...i've packed a change of clothes...and it's time to move on. cup your mouth to compress the sound. skinny dipping with the kids from a nearby town. and everything that i said was true..as the flashes blinded us in the photo booth. and i lost track and then those words were said as you took the wheel and steered us into my bed. and soon we woke and i walked you home and it was pretty clear that it was hardly love. . . and this is all that's left. scraping paper to document...
i've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.
and it is. |
|
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| an ode to joey. |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|11:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | heartbroken | ] |
| [ | music |
| | May Angels Lead You In | ] |
you were still alive this time last week. you were yourself. carefree, laughing and loving life the way you always loved it. and i can't believe that tomorrow it will be one week since you left this world, since youleft us. since you left me.
i'm not sure if i'll ever really comprehend you leaving or being gone. i hope you know how much i've always adored you. how much i've always loved you---and how you'll go on living forever in my heart and mind.
right now my heart is truly broken and i wish i knew the thoughts in your mind before you left us.
i dont think i could ever forget your father's words at the funeral " please forgive my son. please forgive joey. because he couldn't forgive himself"
at the visitation i was already crying, but pretty composed until the picturs of us from high school and graduation came up-happy, laughing. when did it go away? i picture you sneaking in my house and staying until sunrise or when school started.
i'll never stop missing you-and we'll dance again someday.
rest in peace, joey.
october 1, 2007 . rip. |
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| we devised a dream and then lived it. |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|02:51 pm] |
It's been all of my regrets to live a lie and end upset and I remember when peace was a pretty contender
It's clouded what we know
And I'm losing everything |
|
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| now you're just a mark on a map of the past. |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|02:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gregory & The Hwk | ] |
i got suspended.
she got suspended. and has to move back to the dorms.
this place is a prison. you can't trust anyone and i dont even know if i can trust myself. every word, every action, every car ride, every trip home-judged.
i just want to be me.
what a tragedy. you and me. |
|
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| to take me down to the bridge where you know that i've always loved you. |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|10:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rilo Kiley-Silver Lining | ] |
have i been too denying of you?
stress is a lot. studying never seems to end. reading never seems to end. projects and exams and checkoffs and doing everything perfect...never seems to end.
i want my sister to leave him. she's so depressed she barely gets out of bed or brushes her hair. i love her and i hate to see her like this...i've been in this same place. and now looking at her...i wonder why it took me 4 years to get out of it...why does it take so long to get out of someone's control? watching the mind games he plays with my sister, the manipulations, the lies....it frustrates me. but then i remind myself i let myelf be treated that way for 4 long years. and i'm so glad i'm done with that part of my life. there are a lot of wounds there, but i know i'm slowly letting them heal...each and every day i don't hear from you. each day i don't remember your lies or look at your pictures or hear your words and promises that are always broken. every day i don't wonder what you're doing, what you've been doing or if you're thinking of me. everyday i slowly begin to stop thinking about you completely. i know a lot of days pass that i dont think of you at all. and someday i'll be able to throw elliott away. i'll throw the promise ring away. i'll throw ALL of the pictures. and tickets. and notes. and conversations away. and thats when it will finally be over. but for now i'm glad that its over for the most part. and i'm not looking back . i just need to get through these next few months...and forgive myself completely for last year. i know november will be a hard one to get through...a year since it started. and new years. i just need to not remember the year i started off badly. |
|
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| smart water. |
[Aug. 29th, 2007|11:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  high | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jeff buckley-forget her | ] |
my heart is frozen still as i try to find the will
to forget you somehow. |
|
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| it's an empty love to fill the void. |
[Aug. 11th, 2007|04:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Anberlin-Symphony of Blase | ] |
i will find myself out there.
i'm becoming me. and i'm being patient. |
|
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| and the only thing i regret is holding on and on and on . |
[Jul. 31st, 2007|08:35 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Regina Spektor-Summer In The City | ] |
the only thing i regret now is wasting 4 years.
and trusting.
from now on i will guard my heart against all things and let the select few in .
you live this life where you think you can trust those--not even the ones in relationships, but friendships.
and in the end--its all a self-serving purpose.
no one ever wants to keep their word.
and to me. thats a sad sad existence.
this is to really moving on . i've cut all ties with jade AND his family. i love his family and i've always been told i was like a part of his family--but i'll never let go with holding on to them or them holding on to me.
this is to goodbye-. thanks for the memories. i'm moving forward. i hope they can do the same. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|01:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jeff Buckley-Forget Her | ] |
i've decided i don't miss you anymore.
not only do i have to completely white your name out of all the books and my memory. i have to do the same with your family.
there will never be complete redemption or a step forward without.
i should have done this 4 years ago.
and the only person i'm sorry to anymore is myself.
vindicated.
ps- i hope you find yourself, somewhere. |
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| redemption. |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|01:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jeff Buckley-Forget Her | ] |
i've decided i don't miss you anymore.
not only do i have to completely white your name out of all the books and my memory. i have to do the same with your family.
there will never be complete redemption or a step forward without.
i should have done this 4 years ago.
and the only person i'm sorry to anymore is myself.
vindicated. |
|
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| learning how to be grateful and how to love again. |
[Jun. 24th, 2007|09:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jeff Buckley-Hallelujah. | ] |
the only way to turn around the negativity is to start over. today the pastor spoke a message in church about when we get so deep in our sin...sometimes we wonder how we got there. we turn around and remember a time we felt happy. a time we felt on fire for the lord. a time when everything fell into place and everything felt right. and then we can't remember how we got so far away from that and fell right back into sin again. sometimes i am so hard on myself that i believe i'm the only one who has ever let it get this far away from what's right. from what i know. from the truth. from feeling like i have any worth. but the pastor continued by saying that when we get to this point...where we feel sofar into our sin. we need to learn how to repent. how to say we're sorry for the things we've done. to say we're sorry for the people we've hurt along the way. and most importantly to forgive ourselves as well. i know in the past year i've done a lot of things i shouldn't have done, and im' trusting that God is going to somehow use these things to mend my broken heart. to heal the sins and the wrongs i've done to others and to myself. and then the pastor continued to say that after we repent and forgive. we need to take things back to where they were in the beginning. before we fell. and we need to start fresh. and i know now that i need to ALLOW myself to start fresh. i get down and then i feel like i can't get back up again. but i can no longer let people,memories, actions,mistakes, sorrows, long nights of sin, hotel rooms, false i love yous, broken promises...i can't let these things control my future. i am somewhere between 20 and 21. and i once felt somewhere far from the past. far from my troubles. far from the wrongs i've done. but i now know that maybe those things are closer than i ever thought that they were. and now i know that i need to be strong. i need tohave a foot hold in strength that can no longer blow over. i'm not that little girl anymore lost and looking. crying and not sure how tofight. i'm an adult. the things of the past can't be accepted forever. and i know now that i do not want to be my mother. i know now that i love my mother and that i see in her the things that i could be if i dont learn to fight. and i'm a fighter. i know i'm a fighter. if i weren't a fighter i wouldn't have gotten through the things i have. i wouldn't have dealt with an abusive father who left. or a mother who didn't seem to care. i wouldn't have been able to get past drug addictions. and a 7 yr eating disorder. through abusive guys and lies. and broken-ness. i've learned that i'm going to make it. and that God doesn't promise that everyday will wake up feeling new and fresh and full and complete. but i'm 20 . and i'm learning. and i'll get there. i'm thankful that God has given me Tez right now. someone i can keep promises with and learn to grow with. i'm thankful for our common ground and for her understanding, strength and belief in me and kind words. I'm thankful for my amazing family and an amazing man i will lovingly call my husband someday. i'm thankful for the days that the Lord gives me to wake up to, even when i don't always use them to be thankful. i'm thankful that God persues me and perseveres in me, even when i'm not worthy of it.
i'm going to do what the pastor said and forgive others. forgive myself . and post importantly let God mend the past. because its so much bigger than anything i can mend. and i have to let go of control. i have to accept there will be days that i dont know how to hand the control over to God. but i have to trust that if i let him...he will. with time. not a short amount of time. but with time. and most importantly. i'm going to take things back to the start. i'm going to begin where i was before. and like a little toddler i'll let myself fall...but this time i'll let God and the people who surround me and love me help me.
Today i am thankful that i have yet another chance. i am thankful for the mistakes i've made that can make me who iam and can let this great big God use me in the ways that only God can knows .
and today. i'm learning how to trust that. |
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| i think i'm going to miss you, forever. / |
[Jun. 20th, 2007|03:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Broken Social Scene-All My Friends | ] |
i'm even tired of myself writing the same things over and over. and over. i'm sure if i actually read through this livejournal from the past 2 years i'd be sickened with my own self. but the thoughts still come and the feelings still stab me . so i must write them out.
please ending, please come. please leave me without the thoughts or feelings or cares. i don't want to care anymore and i couldn't be sorrier for opening things back up. i just want to go back to last november and re do things. not pick up the phone. not meet you in a chicago hotel room. i want to sleep those hours you kept me awake. and ignore the words you told me. please, let me be released from the thoughts.
i'm 20 years old. and i don't want to do this anymore. |
|
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| lies until 5 a.m. |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|11:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rachael Yamagata-I'll Find A Way | ] |
i saw you the past 2 fridays.
and i missed you all the days in between and after.
i'm sorry about 5 am. i didn't mean it. |
|
|
| where kindness is a card game or a bent up cigarette. |
[Jun. 13th, 2007|07:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bright Eyes-No One Would Riot For Less | ] |
i'm becoming numb to all of your bullshit.
actually i'm not becoming numb at all i just like to say that i am because it sounds better than openly and honestly admitting that i'm this fucked up that i literally am still involved in something that has been drug on and on for years on end. i just want an out. ijust want to not see your face in my mind. or hear your voice. or pray that you won't contact me down the line. i want to have that freedom from you. a freedom i haven't felt from you in so long that i don't even know what my life would be like or what i'd be like without it.
i don't want to feel the chains anymore. i want to be free from this. i want to let it go. and i want to erase your name. your voice. the memories. the affair. the emotions. the lies. the promises (broken). the ring. everything.
just leave my mind.
please.
i'm leaving this place, but there's nothing i'm planning to take; just you. |
|
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| "i guess we loved each other at all the wrong times" |
[Jun. 12th, 2007|11:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bright Eyes-Lime Tree | ] |
on friday i really really missed you for the first time since february in this way.
and seeing you made me shake. and then you put your hand on top of mine and said "please don't shake"
i couldn't help it.
i've cried more times over you in the past week than in several months.
i hate myself for it. but i miss you.
i hate that i want you to come back in the oddest ways.
love changes you. and then it lingers. for years.
i hope it changed you like it changed me. |
|
|
| how could you watch all your sings foregone? |
[May. 28th, 2007|07:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | a lonely apartment | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Anberlin-The Symphony of Blase | ] |
well today is a monday, and on friday i will officially be leaving chi-town and heading back to ohio for the remainder of the summer. 3 months. i sigh and i feel my throat growing tighter when i think about coming home...for 3 months. the plans we had, how longingly i waited for these 3 months with much different plans.
we talked about going to the zoo.
we talked about love.
either way, neither one was true. i miss those lofty ideas. i miss the words that mean nothing but feel so free floating off of our lips. i miss the awkward mornings and climbing out of your bed to begin the day with secrets. i miss strands of nights of no sleep welcomed by the comfort of your scent and the way you look when you lay sleeping. there were nights filled with looking out snowy windows and waiting to be awakened by your call from states away..and you were moving while you loved the things you dreamt of for years. but you were happy. and there were no ties keeping you from loving the things you explored. and everything we were doing was blackened. and it covered all things pure. but its core was wrapped in innocence. and we stood there, shaking. protected. and then there was love. we took a step back and looked at the love that stood there, and we watched the gap..but there was no stopping it as we closed our eyes and backed away. we knew this. we'd done this before. and slowly the hands bound, shaking with faultered trust set one another free. there was no grasping. a choking. a screaming silenced. a feeling ignored. days ignored. memories erased. names recreated. necrotic love cast aside and burned. in the sadness and shallow comfort of your loud bar, i hope you find the memories you can't replay. and i hope that its over. and over. and over. |
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| i felt lost and found with every step i took. |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|11:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bright Eyes "Lime Tree" | ] |
I keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes
Since the operation I heard you're breathing just for one
Now everything is imaginary, especially what you love
You left another message said it's done,
It's done
When I hear beautiful music it's always from another time
Old friends I never visit, I remember what they're like
Standing on a doorstep full of nervous butterflies
Waiting to be asked to come inside
Just come inside
But I keep going out
I can't sleep next to a stranger when I'm coming down
It's 8 a.m. my heart is beating too loud
Too loud
Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much
I felt something that I had never touched
Everything gets smaller now the further that I go
Towards the mouth and the reunion of the Known and the Unknown
Consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home
You can move mountains with your misery if you don't
If you don't
It comes to me in fragments, even those still split in two
Under the leaves of that old Lime Tree I stood examining the fruit
Some were ripe and some were rotten, I felt nauseous with the truth
There will never be a time more opportune
So I just won't be late
The window closes, shock rolls over in a tidal wave
And all the color drains out of the frame
So pleased with a daydream that now living is no good
I took off my shoes and walked into the woods
I felt lost and found with every step I took |
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| i wanna go wherever you go . |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|02:36 am] |
|
i've barely washed you off my skin. seven days on the brink of the eighth morning, and i can't shake it. i can't wipe away the sin that should be taking over me with guilt , while two states away i'm counting the days until i'm home again. smoking your brand of cigarettes and braving the snow on the windshield...this drive could take forever, miles are minutes, and thoughts race through my mind like they don't even belong to me. i'll never be happy while i'm living this lie. i just don't know how to make it stop. i kiss you goodbye, four or five times marks the last time. i'll be seeing you, i say. i can barely get my foot to press the gas, to mark the last time i'm driving away. everytime i say goodbye i fear for my life that its the last time. the last time i'll close the door walking out of a harlot's place in bed, the last time i'll sweep your hair off your face, so i can kiss your forehead. tell me you'll miss me, whisper lies of love. i just want to go wherever you go, lies or love; we'll duke it out in the long run. for now my selfishness controls every late night spent and not driving home until the sun is on its way up to my real life. tell me that you're happy, tell me that you need me. i could lay here with you for a million days worth of minutes, and the words we're thinking never seem to reside outside of our lips. i'll squeeze you to tell you how much i care; i could never ever even imagine just leaving you there. my words from two states away stay pent up, only wondering when they'll reach your ears. missing you is more than just an act, its a lifestyle; and i can't shake it. baby, you told me all the things i wanted to hear after your lips have touched every last glass of truth you can find in this place, and darlin didn't you know i had to lie to make all of the events that are happening; alright? couldn't find a reason to tell the truth, for fear of what these things are going to do to you . i wanna watch the way your lips perse up when you smoke all of your cancer begging cigarettes, i wanna lay beside you, not for too long, just for awhile. i wanna slip my hand into yours as you think of all the reasons to pretend like you're not holding on. well, baby i'm long gone and i dont know where the past 3 years went, but i'm all grown up, and i'm tryin to figure this life out. honey, if you're only here to let me down , don't hesitate...this could take awhile. cut the ties and count what you've already won. i'm getting too old to count on being so unhappy forever. tell me what it is you want, and if what it was has already been had, kiss me on the forehead. nod when i say i'll be seeing you, and get the hell out. don't write these songs for me and play them on my memory. if you don't want to write, just cover your face up under these covers of lies and sin; darling...we're so much better than this. since when did our love become so pent up? why are we lying for love? i'll let you off the hook easier than all the times before, just tell me the truth, lie while you hold me, and don't pretend to just fill the spot of a holiday lover lost in lust. we're so much bigger than any problem we've gotten ourselves into. where did we go on that november night? a fling has turned into more than i can take. a new years kiss starts the year off with a lie so big, its too hard to hide. and honey, i hope you know. you're worth every lie i ever told. |
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| stranger seas or brighter shores...cuz i know that my love is real. |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|09:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nervous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | David Grey-If My Love Is Real | ] |
its just that everytime i see you, and i say goodbye. i think its going to be my last.
my last time seeing your face.
my last time saying goodbye.
thats my biggest fear.
the time i say goodbye, and its actually real. that its actually goodbye. the last time i'll look at you in the eye and when i say "i'll be seeing you", i actually won't be.
it will have actually been goodbye. forever. |
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danibanani05's journal
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